The Endless Cycle of Despair

Desire, love, wish, the pinnacle of every human there, their drive to move and act, what makes us different from animals is not reasoning, it's the desire, something that won't boost our chances of survival but rather will cause us what we call "happiness".

Every human hold thight onto their desire, their own world will then sucumb into it and all their actions will tend to the desire, like a gravity center, it will become the center, the reason to live for every human being.

It is a dear, precious treasure we ourselves generate, we desire for it but remains out of our hands at first, the goal for our lives is to get that treasure for us.

Selfless desires? Not such thing exist, we either desire the happiness of others because we expect something in return, either we receiving something from them or simply because it brings us "happiness" the fact we helped them fulfill their desires, even agaisnt their own will.

...but what happens when a desire definitely becomes unreachable?

Desires are like the fuel for our souls, once a desire stops fueling our souls... we become monsters.

Monsters like me.

The flame of despair.

Losing a desire means losing the willing to live, but we humans have something in common when living: fear, fear of death, fear of pain.

That's when we despair, that's when our inner demon takes control and we become someone obsessed by an impossible desire, we become helpless and only waiting for death to take us into eternal rest.

I...

I have lost my will to live, I live in eternal pain, I can no longer feel anything like a normal person, anything that happens to me that could cause any feeling, happiness, joy, sadness, anger, all transitions to pain and sadness or simply I don't feel them at all, because I am always depressed and sad.

I am broken, I can't feel properly anymore, my life is slowly crumbling down, my mental and emotional health is tearing apart, one day I won't be able to hold this theater by just myself and I will break down and act without thinking, return to not only be an animal but an animal driven by desire and despair rather than survival.

My head used to hold a perfect balance, like a castle where everything was in harmony, but recent events made the pillars collapse, it's on the verge of breaking down and nothing will return like it was before.

I am walking the final steps into my execution.